I just got my driver’s license renewed; I hadn’t had the picture updated for 12 years so today was the day. The photographer kept telling me to relax- an unlikely event, in all honestly; I dislike having my picture taken, and am disinclined toward relaxation generally.
I’m not happy with how I look in this shot, but I can live with how I look in real life. I think I have gained a focus in my face as I have gotten older; I look at my yearbook pictures, and I look kind of goofy. Or maybe I just can’t see as well now; at any rate, there’s something to be said for a certain level of satisfaction. Sometimes I’m walking down the street and am surprised by my reflection; I don’t always recognize the reflection of the woman pacing next to me.
The next license is Thursday; hopefully I will pass the Real Estate test. This test, the next rung in the ladder.
You get the license, you get the job, you have no reason to take the next flurry of steps in quick succession. You are forced to, and these changes aren’t my biggest fear. My biggest fear isn’t alienating my children; that’s apparently a done deal.
Probably it was driven home by those Match.com-type ads on T.V. I can’t imagine filling out 50 questions- or 500 questions- and trying to relate to the person who popped up. I can’t imagine dating in the adult world when I am really a very physically conservative person on principle, and this does not seem to be anywhere near the status quo. I can’t imagine adjusting my habits and my standards in accommodation of another human being. I can’t imagine trying attachment on like a pair of GAP jeans, until you find the right fit. I don’t have it in me anymore, and maybe I never did.
My biggest fear is that I am living according to a reality that doesn’t exist for any other human being, and is going to inevitably doom me to a loneliness everyone else can sidestep.
